Well I guess this is where those good numbers will come in handy.  I have 10 frozen, so the good news is, (if there can be good news in this) I get to do a FET next instead of having to give myself 3 shots a day.  A FET is a frozen embryo transfer and I have 10 of those to work with.  Of course, with the blood test today to find out if the IVF worked I also got a bill for freezing those 10 embryos.  It seems to never end, the $$$$  mean.  Even though I prepaid for the cycles, there is so much additional expense that shows up.  I know I won't care once I'm holding my baby in my arms, but on a day like today, when the news is shitty, it just makes it shittier :) if that's even a word.

I spoke to my RE and I have at least the basics of the game plan.  Stop all meds today, which I did, and wait for my next cycle to start.  Then 21 days later go in for a baseline ultrasound.  From there I wait for the next cycle to start and I just have to use estrogen patches for 14 days and then add in progesterone and then 3 days later we defrost a few frosties and give it a go.  So much easier, just not any faster.  Just as much time between cycles.  At least with IUI, I got to go cycle after cycle, but that didn't seem to work so maybe its better for me to be forced to take a break between attempts.

BUT I KNOW THE PLAN!!!!  And for right now that's all that matters.


Goodnight!

On to the next!!!!

So it was negative.   Waiting to hear what the plan is for the next cycle.    Ugh!!!!!!!

Waiting....

For my Beta test results.  Am I pregnant or not.  Countdown 3 1/2 hours.  How will I handle the answer? Either answer.  If its yes, then I need to wrap my around it and get myself prepared for each week and each ultrasound and not going crazy that this could be the week that it stops growing.  Week 8 would be my current goal, if I'm pregnant.  Just getting farther than I did last time will be my first goal.  IF I'M NOT pregant, than I have to start dealing with the emotional cliff that I will inevitable fall off of later today and try to climb back up sometime this weekend.  I'll email my Dr and ask him whats next and how soon and when do I get to try again.  That's my protocol...what's next!!!!!!?????  That's how I survive the disappointment.  Keep the train moving!!!!  Push Forward!!!!!    That's just what I do.

I'll update later or not (if its not good news)  But I will update with what's next once I know.

Patience

What a hard thing to learn.  And I really need to learn it.  Everyone keeps telling me that I need to learn to wait now since all of pregnancy is waiting and all of motherhood is waiting and well just life is full of waiting.  But right now, in my 2WW(two week wait between ovulation and taking a pregnancy test)  waiting to get my blood test on Friday, my patience is running very thin.  This will be the longest I've ever had to wait to see if I was pregnant.  I've tested at 8dpo (days past ovulation) and seen both of my positives by 11dpo.  But with IVF, my doctors recommend waiting 16 days.  It seems so far away, but I get it.  They want to know for sure that something is sticking.  See with IVF I think chances are better for implantation to start, which could lead to a positive test, but it may not always stick, so waiting 16 days gives you a better chance of not seeing a false positive.  I normally have cheap internet test strips in the house, but I didn't buy any this time.  None!  Not one!  I do have one digital test, but I've asked my sister to steal it from my house so that I can't test.  I truly don't want to test.  I can't handle a false positive and I'm not sure I can handle a negative either, so I'd rather just wait for the real deal blood test.

Patience!!!!!!!

23! 17! 14! 12! 10!

So what do all those numbers mean, well I'll tell you.  But first, let me start by giving a summary of my adventure so far for any new readers and for a new blog I've been asked to participate in.

All my adult life I always said if I'm still single by the time I'm 40 I would try to have a child on my own and if I couldn't then I would adopt.  I told myself I would be okay if I couldn't have my own biological child and I'm still ok with that, but how far I'm willing to go to give birth to my own child has changed drastically.  I always said that if it didn't happen naturally (well as naturally as possible for a single woman) than I would move right to adoption.  No meds, no stims and no IVF.  Or so I thought.

10 artificial inseminations (IUI), 2 miscarriages, and heartbreaks, here I am waiting to see if I'm pregnant from my first IVF attempt.  Yes I did it.  I truly believed I had no choice.  Last summary I saw a heart beating in my belly.  It was small and barely there, but it was there.  And I saw it more than once.  And then it was gone.  It was the most horrible thing I have ever lived through.  It was devastating in ways I never knew possible.  I'd been in such an amazing place in my life both personally and mentally and workwise and just everything.  I was happy all the time.  I mean I had a few dips in mood, but nothing I didn't get passed in a few hours.  I was good, really good, for a long time and then IT happened, and my world came crashing down.  It was my second miscarriage in 4 months, and my only way of survival was knowing I could try again as soon as possible.  I turned 40 six weeks after, and I'm good with 40, except for not being a mom.  Big except.  Big I made it through that week and the surprise party my family threw me by having another IUI the morning of my party.

Everything seemed okay again.

#1 - I got pregnant, twice. That's one of the biggest hurdles for women suffering from infertility issues.  I mean at this point I didn't consider the idea that I had issues.

#2 - I have tons of eggs.  I mean I'm 40 and my reserves should be on the downswing, but as my doctor tells me and the ultrasounds show each month, my ovaries are pumping out 15 to 25 potential follicles a month.  At 40 my doctor hopes to see 10 a month.

#3 - I ovulate on my own every month.  Another huge thing, since many women do not.

#4 - I was doing everything right.  No more coffee, no more drinking.  Eating healthy.  Acupuncture every week.  I was golden!

And then 5 more attempts went by and not a single BFP (big fat positive)  I thought I'd get pregnant everytime and just have to be worried about it being the right one and getting to 9 months and holding my baby in my arms.  But I was wrong.  It didn't happen, so we moved on to IVF.

So here I am 14 months after I started down this road and ready to explain those numbers.

I spent around 20 days giving myself anywhere from 1 to 3 injections a day.  And it paid off.  My doctor said the very first time he gave me an ultrasound that my ovaries were much younger than I am and man did they prove themselves last week.

Last wednesday I went in for whats called Egg Retrieval.  That's when the doctor goes in and takes out all the eggs that I've hopefully stimulated into all growing at once rather than the single one we naturally ovulate each month.  And we retrieved 23!  23, what a crazy crazy amount for a 40 year old.  Well for an any year old for that matter.  And I recovered pretty well from all of those eggs.  I mean I was uncomfortable for a few days, I mean my ovaries were pretty swollen, but by Sunday I felt great.

17!!!!  that's how many of the 23 were mature eggs.  Another incredible number.

14!!!! That's how many of the mature eggs fertilized after being mixed with sperm.

12!!!! That's how many embryos were still growing 5 days after retrieval!  My doctor had the biggest smile on his face when he told me.  And they were all amazing quality.

We transfered the two best looking ones and now I'm trying not read every ache and twinge my body is giving me, since I have 9 days before I have a blood test to see if either one worked.  And then I the next 7 to 9 weeks to wait for all the testing to get done and my first trimester to end before I can take a deep breath.  The big week being the 4 weeks or so from now when I hopefully see a heartbeat that is older than the one I saw last summer. :)

10!!!!!   The number of embryos I got to freeze, so if this round isn't the right one, and my baby isn't quite ready to join me yet, I have 10 possibilities waiting for me :)


There's plenty more i'd like to write about, and I hope you join me as I continue to share my journey, but right now I need to go by a lottery ticket don't I!!!!!!

The big day

Well the next BIG DAY is wednesday!  Two days from now.   6:45am!  Everything went great with my shots.  Not a lot of side effects, just a lot of bruising on my belly.  I responded amazingly well to the hormones.  They did exactly what they were supposed to do.  In the words of my RE, "I'm responding like one of their egg donors"  You know like a 20-something going through this to donate their eggs to other women for money.  Like the sperm donors, just a whole lot more that they have to go through then the guys.  Guys just you know, do their thing.  I mean there's lots of tests beforehand but the actually donation is a "donation".  Women donating eggs have to do basically what I did for the last week.  Give themselves 2 to 3 shots a day and feel things going on in their ovaries, that start to become very uncomfortable, especially if they respond well.  Which I have!  We are hoping for around 20 follicles on wednesday.  That's gives me lots of chances that at least one will produce a nice, healthy, grow to nine months, egg.  Here's hoping!


I'll update on Thursday when I get my fert report.  That's the fertility report where they let me know how many eggs they actually got and how many fertilized and are still growing.