And the walls came crashing down

Completely, totally and irreparably.  Where do I begin?  Turns out the scar tissue my doctor thought he found in September was just the tip of the iceberg.  That tiny little bit he found wasn't even close to the reality.  That was in the lower left part of my uterus.  The reality was is that entire upper right section of my uterus is covered in scarring.  I've switched doctors to THE top doctor (or at least of the top two) who happens to be here in LA.  Which is great except that after surgery back in March and 21 days with a balloon and two months of estrogen therapy the prognosis is the worst it could be.  My uterus is done.  Kaput.  Fini.  And the worst thing is its been done since about 6 weeks after my first surgery way back in June of 2012.  Can you believe that?  I can't.  I'm completely destroyed.  All of this work, all of the time, all of the hormones, all of the tears, all of the pain, all of the hope, all of the money.  A waste, a joke, a complete and utter waste of mine and everyone else in my life's life.  

From multiple I've spoken to in the medical profession or legal, the idea that they never checked properly after my surgeries to make sure I had not scarred, that I had healed correctly is a complete and utter lack of standard of care.  So what does that mean for me.  Well I'm looking for an attorney.  I don't expect much, but I would love to get some of my money back.  I'd like to be a little more financially prepared for when my child arrives.  And yes that will be through foster to adopt.  If you've been reading my blog you know that I'm ok with that.  I truly am, but the hope I fostered (no pun intended) for the last two years is just very hard to let go of.

And now there's a man in my life, an amazing man.  Why now and why him, I have no clue, but without him in my life for the last two months I don't think I would have survived this.  It's a day to day thing with him, he lives across the country from me but talking to him, texting with him every day and the one visit I snuck in a few weeks ago to see him and with him coming to see me in less than two weeks, its working.  I know that even if things don't work out, what I've gotten from him being in my life for the last few months, is all I could ever ask for.

So, lawyer, guy, fostadopt.  That is my life now and hopefully soon I will get to a place where that feels ok and feels normal, but for now it hurts everyday, almost every hour, and I know that's ok and that I need to grieve my loss and find my footing.  I will, I know I will, I just don't know when.

so....

So here I am.  6 embryos left.  I still have hope.  I really do, but at the same time I know that after these 6 if I'm not pregnant, I'm officially moving onto Foster to Adopt.  Tonight my parents, sister and I took our First Aid/CPR class.  Hopefully on Monday I can schedule my first HOME STUDY!!!!!  Yikes!  I may also have my next FET this Friday.  Seriously doing everything at once!

That's all just wanted to keep things up to date since its been a while since I posted.

As I start the home study process I'll post more to help anyone learn more about this process.